all i want now is to clear the mess

damn its 23.12 now and i still cant get to sleep.i remeber on 6 july it was raining and we couldnt have pe.and mr koh was telling us that tears when crying contains toxins which increases the risks of getting cancer and after he said it ,i was thinking that if we could live happily ever after we would be really healthy since we got some naughty thoughts up our sleeves and since you take lots of vitamin pils.i wish to stop tearing but i cant.i remeber i watched a video called seize the day on you tube.it somehow went with the ssadness though i didn't know why.today in the afternoon i had the super throbbing headache just before drum class,and i was wondering why didnt you reply my message?were you too sad to reply?too confused?and there are still messages like going to the library to study going to my house in september to watch tv nd meeting your parents for dinner ,all seemed so real then.but now?i remeber telling you ,if we believe we can do it.can we get married?i believed we could.but now its not up to just me to decide its for my hopefully future wife .many things in life are hard to overcome but we must be strong ourselves to do it.its hard for you to believe that i trully love you but do you feel it with your heart?can you feel it?someone said 'love is blind'until now i still dont know what it means.but to me love is strong and love is unrelentless ,it can give people the best days of their lives and can let a person be filled with sorrow .you even asked me once if i would take care of you if you were drunk,the answer was obvious.but you might not even believe these words.why not?a person is full of lies more lies than a factory manufacturing poker cards.a person definitely lies .but for what cause?i dont know also.have i lied to you?im sure not.and like you said you dont know what to believe anymore because this piece of paper might just be more lies from me.lies that will never stop?like one mistake leading to another?im sure not.i got a good traight mind of my own to use.why would i do this?i wonder what would it be like to be just friends like our first day today.i admit,i dosent feel good.quite worrying.would we lose interest and trust in each other?i hope not.there were many things you said that left me thinking abot alot.i wonder if they have sorted or simplified but i lost them in my mind all i can think of is you.will you be sleeping now?thinking about the world cup?still feeling confused?or already made up ur mind and feeling * ?i realised the older i get the less i cry?but what about now?goodnight sweetest.23.48 and loving you as much
j;love